Trauma to Healing
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Part 5 : Letting Go and be FREE – The Freedom to choose

Freedom to choose. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing ever? Isn’t that the real abundance? Being able to choose to stay or leave? No, it’s not always an easy choice. But it’s still a choice.

This whole experience left me wounded…for now….left me wounded on an emotional, mental and financial level. Yes, big time on all three levels. I can allow it, accept it and surrender or I can fight it. There’s no shame in putting up a little fight…hell yeah…there was a big fighting storm inside me…a battle with myself….until I allow, accept, surrender and let the healing begin. I have a very strong mind and my mind did not want to accept that and for sure not allow it….well….it takes as long as it takes.


Are You Willing To Take The Risk

Was I stupid? No, I was human! Didn’t I see all the risks and the red flags? Yes, I did. And through the rear-view mirror they appear even much clearer. They are always much clearer through the rear-view-mirror.

I am a Structural-Coach. I can see all the gear-wheels, even the tiniest ones running together. I live a life outside the box for over 10 years now. I exchanged my successful banking career with a travel backpack. I jump headfirst in adventures and new situations. What might seem naive and headless from the outside requires a lot of structure and courage and a good portion of craziness.

In my mind I go through the different possibilities. What could be the worst outcome? Am I willing to take that risk? Or do I choose safety first? And again, there is NO right nor wrong. It’s about the experiences we make. Stay low, stay safe, don’t take a risk and you might not get hurt. Take the risk and see what happens.


There Is No Right Nor Wrong

How about my special case? What risk were I aware of? Well, I knew that I could make financial loses as far a total financial loss. I was going through different scenarios…no, not to manifest them but to be aware of the possibilities. I was also aware of emotional risks. That we might end up on our own, that we might get tricked, that our loving family wouldn’t be the loving family as I would love them to be……and so on. Even all the precautionary measures I took, wouldn’t give any guarantees. And then I chose. I made a conscious decision. Whenever you make a conscious decision it will never be right nor wrong…it is what it is: a conscious decision in that moment with all the experience and knowledge you had at that given moment.


Making A conscious decision

Many of the risks became reality. Oh boy, what I experienced was way beyond my imagination, beyond my reality. How I felt? Dumbfounded, smashed, devastated, discouraged, dispirited, lost, lonely, betrayed, alone, depressed, hurt.….you get the idea.

Very very deep feelings….feeling to the fullest… goes both ways….I believe the one who wants to experience deep joy will also face the deep opposite of joy…whatever that is. I was missing joy for a long time in my life……maybe through the opposite I will experience it again. Who knows? What else is possible?

Talking about the financial loss. As I mentioned before, I used to be a financial consultant. Some of my clients were clinching on to a dead share. They hoped by holding on to it, that one day they would be reimbursed for their investment. Maybe they would even get rich like the people who had a Mac Donald share and 50 years later, they were millionaires. Yes that could happen. The question is: are you willing to take that risk? Are you willing to wait and take the risk that it might never ever happen? Are you willing to let go and move on and take the risk, that it could work out…maybe not now, maybe in 10 or 20 years? There is no right nor wrong….only a conscious decision that has to be made!


Freedom Is Being Able to Choose

For me it came the point where it was about cutting the losses. Damage control. My illusion was smashed. My daughter’s illusion was smashed. In addition to the emotional loss we had to face the financial loss. It looks like we’ve lost one property already and the other on is still in limbo. A huge part of the investment over the past month seems to be lost. I could fight in court to try to recover part of it….and I have to see how much effort am I willing to put in and what would be the best expected outcome? I am trying to sell most of the material things we still have. Some people here believe I am rich…because I have so many beautiful material things to sell…they don’t see that after that, we will leave with empty hands while they return to their house and home.

I was talking to a friend today and said: “I have to let go and accept the financial loss.” And then I stopped. I listened to my own words and reframed: “No. I choose to let go and accept the financial loss, if there is any- I have to accept.”

What is the difference?

A whole world in between is the difference. I am free! I can choose. If I do not want to accept the financial lose to the fullest, I can choose to stay at that toxic place. To live in my house, to fight for the material things that belong to me. Will that bring me joy and fulfilment? That is the question. What do I choose?


An example:

My car was taken away from me. I had double and tripple checked before we came, that I would be able to use our car. “Of course the car is for you to use. Everyone knows you paid for it. Everyone loves Malia Luna and everyone knows that it is for her and you to use.” – that is what I was told.

Yes, we had bought the car 2 years ago for the parents to use. I was happy to help him fulfil that dream of his. And now, in that difficult situation I needed a car. They knew they can use it when they need it. Only the youngest sister was not allowed to use it, as she showed me the middle finger. She’s in her early 20s and never had worked for a single day, because there was enough money coming in from my husband. Money that should have gone to his daughter. I love my daughter dearly and it’s my job to let her experience that there’re consequences in life. The same for my dear sister-in-law. Honey, if you can’t show me respect….especially when you come from a culture where respect is very very important, then you have to deal with the consequences. No car for you until you apologise. Of course that apology never came. Instead something else happened…..

I had thought under that specific cruel circumstances, they would at least show some decent humanity. My daughter and I came from far far away to be with them. We had no family nor friends there….well that was at least how it felt at that point. I had no one to call and ask for a ride.

So, instead, they took me to court and took the car away from me. The law was on their side, as his father registered the car on his name- which I was never asked to agree, I thought it was on my husbands name. Well, however the judge set the condition, that I would be allowed to use the car whenever I would need it. At that point, you can probably imagine….I was never allowed to use it.

Malia and I would walk in heavy rain, strong sunshine and even in the dark. When she got too tired, I carried her as usual on my shoulders. At least he stopped and gave us a ride, when he saw us. Not his sister, his mum and all the other people driving our car. They just smiled at us.

I could take them to the surpreme court for fraud, as I have enough written evidence. I can choose if I want to do that.

I Choose To Be Free

I can choose to love or hate any given situation and even the country where we are in. Malia is Tongan and she is damn proud of that fact. And I am damn proud of her. I choose to love that country. Even with all the “things” we experienced……I choose to look for the good. I choose to make healthy and good experiences. I choose to stay until I have made these good memories.

I can choose to leave and come back whenever I want. Because I am free. My daughter is free.


That awareness is mind blowing. We ARE blessed. I choose to be free!!!!!! And I am free to change my mind whenever I want, I can just make another conscious decision.

29th November 2017

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